I want to write a few words today about being a survivor and the want for perfection and/or control in our everyday lives.
As a Survivor: Nearly good enough is not safe enough
I read this on a UK-based survivior site a few days ago. I wrote it down in my journal and it's been on my mind since.
I tried to avoid my abuse. I really, really did. Avoidance was on my mind all the time. It/I was never good enough, my efforts never rendered me safe.
This has left me with a self-hating residue where whatever I attempt to accomplish I presume only failure can happen, I tell myself "come on, don't expect to win at this".
The need to feel control, perfection, safety and constant awareness are really common affects of particularly childhood sexual abuse.
Writing about your coping skills, which ones you recognise are not healthy or positive and acknowledging what you will gain from letting those go are a good way to get started on this. A really good idea is splitting a page in two, one side 'things to give up' on the other side 'things to gain'.
I'm at the beginning, even writing this blog I'm telling myself only failure can happen, I tell myself "come on, don't expect to win at this".
